The True Heart of Me

09:26 pm - la dolce vita

And just with the hope I felt would usher me into a new horizon, here I am! A new home, a new car, and possibly a new position at school ….. its been a ride.

I chose this house because Nate told me, “Mom, I see you in this house,” and how right he was! I belong here! The décor is developing along with the landscaping into something that defines me as I see myself. My kitchen in particular is becoming an Italian cucina where the olive oil and wine are displayed prominently. Grape vines from my dad’s vineyard, and eventually, dried fruit and vegetables will also grace the walls that are now laden with fake ivy, lovingly applied by my Katie. I wanted a place where my children could convene and that is something that has happened seamlessly. They come regularly and even Katie and Dominic stay here often.

If I were to look deep in my soul, I would say that I have made excruciatingly slow progress. Patience is not a virtue that I possess and I am my own worst critic so I must look at all that I have lost and the comeback is not as easy as I thought it would be. In an effort to not focus on what I’ve lost, but rather the reanimation of a girl I once was, I have chosen to forgive myself of the days, weeks, or periods when I am not who I want to be. Sometimes I allow my mind to wander back and resentment creeps in that I did not achieve the visions of the life I thought I would have. I chastise myself for those moments and instead of being forgiving (like I would to a good friend who had the same thoughts) I chide myself. I need to stop doing that. Especially now, a year out, when I have come to a place where the sting of being alone has begun to wear off, and I am rebuilding my life.

All is right on this evening when Nate’s tail lights just dimmed in the distance after drinking a glass of wine and sharing a plate of pasta. Rosemary, basil, and lavender are brightening the window over my sink, and I sit writing this under a set of plastic grapes. I will never forget where I have come from, but its time to put that in its place and focus on the today that I am so blessed to have.

05:28 am - hopefulness

Hope! I have hope and am maintaining the sliver I’ve held on to! I can sense the start of something on the horizon and although I don’t know what it is or where it is originating, in my heart, I feel something is on its way. Maybe it’s the new little birds that are chirping outside of my window in the morning. Maybe it’s the countdown in my mind that is ticking off the hours till Joe turns the water on up camp. Or could it be the proposition I offered my boss and the potential shift in my career? A new home? A new car? It could be a host of things that are ushering in this hopefulness. Its probably God. He probably sees me and knows that I am hoping for a new life. I wonder what this is……

04:50 am - hurting heart

 And everybody said no.

After revealing my idea to leave the country to several confidants, a resounding “no” rose up like the halleluiah chorus. I was told that my idea and intentions are completely counter to what I need right now; that what I need is to stick close to my support system of friends and family as I continue to heal and grow. One thing I am learning through this process is that I have fits of panic when I don’t know what to do or who to be and they cause me to hatch tiny little plans like going to the South Pacific to teach for a year.

What am I supposed to do with my life? Who am I supposed to be? I don’t want to be a girlfriend or wife. I don’t want to lead a mediocre life. I crave adventure, but then I want to be in my parent’s backyard pruning tomato vines. I want to ride off into the sunset and I want to crawl into my sisters arms. Im so vexed. Im so torn.

I keep praying for God to give me direction and immediately following “amen” I get on the internet to see how much a house in Bloomfield would cost. My heart hurts.
  

04:59 pm

 Reminiscent of father’s day….my kids spent the day with Tony and I feel like crap. I feel betrayed again and cried uncontrollably after a long bath this evening. I cried so much and so had that it scared me and I wanted to call someone, but didn’t know who to call. Plenty of people have told me to reach out to them in moments like that, but I was fearful of the depth of my sorrow and how it would manifest in a conversation. Instead, I picked up a divorce recovery book (one of many in my possession these days) and I read scriptures that pertain directly to my situation. I fell dead asleep with the book next to me.
Ironically (not really….this is how God has been working in my life for months now) Our Daily Bread had this message this morning.
In the midst of his grief, the comfort of God surfaced. Reminders of God’s sovereignty and goodness gave the prophet hope as he faced the future: “The Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies” (Lam. 3:31-32).
If you’ve recently experienced a painful loss, remember to take adequate time to grieve and to reflect upon God’s goodness. Then you will be able to experience His comfort and hope for the future.
 
To experience God’s comfort
While you’re suffering with grief,
Try to focus on God’s goodness,
And He’ll bring your heart relief. —Sper
God allows sorrows and tears today
to open our hearts to the joys of tomorrow.
I can only travel this path in the promises that nights like that are few and far between and they are part of grief and I must learn to return to God for comfort because it won’t always be like this. The pain will not be this profound, the loneliness won’t sting with such pain, and I will emerge from this healed.
 

05:37 am - Disbelief and Loss

 I’m reading a book on coping with a divorce and its asked me to face some hard questions. I want to write my answers out in my journal because I need to express how I am doing, and I want to see growth in myself. When I look back on these hard days, I need to recognize that I have changed and I believe that writing this will help me sort out how I feel.

The hardest part of my current situation is that I don’t feel like I belong to anyone. My former life was the essence of belonging, in its absence; I don’t know who to be. I take it day by day, but it is my greatest challenge. I am handling things pretty well. I laugh more than I cry.
I am treating Tony with love and patience. He wants to be aggressive and sarcastic with me, but my treatment is disarming for him. I believe our interactions are appropriate, and I am grateful that they are limited because the recovery from seeing him takes days for me.
I am treating myself relatively well. I haven’t been taking good care of my body (nails, shaving, exercise) and I need to change this because it has always been important to me and I am not focused on my care. I’m tired a lot. I read a lot.

Shattered assumptions abound for me. When I first married Tony, I expected that we would always be together. I compared our relationship to the ones I had been exposed to though my life and I thought we defied all others. There are parts of me that still believe that. Marriage was meaningful in that it was the epicenter of our home, even above the kids. My assumptions about the world when I married were that people wee good, helpful, and they meant only goodwill towards me. My assumptions now are that people do things for personal gain despite any victims they leave in their wake.

I though marriages were fraternally driven. The man and his happiness were paramount.
Now I think I was exposed to entirely too much male bravado.
Relationships are complex.
The world is what you create around you and how you buffer yourself from hate and ill-will.

My world has changed since my separation in profound ways. I am in silence the majority of the time; I don’t take care of responsibilities in a defiant manner (why should I do _______? It affects nobody but me.)

I especially miss family time when we would gather at my home. I was the conductor of that aura and the creator too. Tony and I were at our finest as a married couple when Katie and Nate were in our midst. The hardest thing to accept is that we won’t have that again.
When I realize what has happened to us, I cry. I feel frustrated that he and I didn’t make it despite our profound love for one another. I look to my future and see nothing. I resent the fact that we had reached a place in our lives when we could do whatever we wanted, spend our days meandering, exploring, lazing, or building and instead, we are apart.

The losses derived from my separation are: companionship, contact with children, direction, home, identity, innocence, meaning, personal identity, sex, shared property. I have chosen personal identity as the focus in my loss because it is the term that resonates the strongest with my feelings of loss. I don’t know WHO to be now that I am not a wife, mother, home owner, laundress, cook, director, travel agent, and gardener.  The emotions raised by this loss are anger primarily, but also sadness. The loss affects my self-image because I feel worthless now. If I’m not caring for a family, what good am I? When I think of this loss I respond in one of two ways; panic or anger. When it comes to this loss, my uncertain future without my family makes me the maddest and I become sad when I think that I will never have that again.

I’m going to stop here for the evening because the next chapter is on adjustment and adaptation and I want to think about what I’ve written about disbelief and loss. It captures what I have said to others and thought about quite extensively.

06:38 am - Halloween and an Empty Pot

 The Carnegie Library in Oakland….a haven. I remember many years ago, Tony and I had a terrible argument and I came here to hide. He knew this is where I come to get lost in the stacks and I have looked up twice to see if it was him coming through the doors. How goofy is that?

What is this that I am feeling tonight? It is that same gnawing feeling that is a mixture of longing, loneliness, contentment, and venom. A lethal concoction and one that can only be fixed by reading the endless pages of entries which chronicle the days and months I endured and the mistreatment and callousness of the man who broke my heart. I go through days like this where I long for what could have been which morphs into an anger over the intangible sensation of beating the odds and growing old with my husband.  

I look into my future and can’t conceptualize what my life will become or where I will end up. When this realization settles in, I shrug my shoulders and grin because why would that matter at this point? I have been able to conjure up the symbol of an empty pot (my life) and that I can put anything in it (another marriage, a house, more school, adventures, aspirations) or I can spend some time marveling at the POTENTIAL of the empty pot. I have the unique opportunity to fill this pot with experience, people, talent, or a lifestyle that is utterly novel.  This potential fills me with a sense of wonder and I feel fortunate to be cognizant of how blessed I am to have the wisdom to view it all in this manner.  It is my absolute impulse to do one of the following:
1) Buy a house
2) run away
3) Get married
4) go get a doctorate
I want to seize this moment in my life, hear God’s voice, and fulfill the calling that will propel me to self-actualization. What is my destiny? Today it is to stare at an empty pot, contemplate, and dream.

10:35 pm - Assignment

Dear City Dweller,

                You don’t know me, but I am a woman who lives in the country I am the woman you want to be, the one you always envisioned as the more refined and authentic version of yourself and the one you hid most of your adult life for fear of ridicule, judgment, or just plain insecurity.  I am writing to encourage and embolden you but also to facilitate in your healing and transformation.

                You spend your days and evenings with your mind in a state of angst and self-loathing, regretting your past but longing for it all at the same time. You identify with the existence you have had up to this point because there is safety and predictability in it, but was there a genuine happiness? Did you find solace in your life? The hours you spend wielding the torch of “remember when” don’t foster peace of mind nor do they change the reality of what is. Longing for the nostalgic days of your role as mother, wife, neighbor, PTO parent, college student, or youthful female just makes you sad and images that you had previously conjured up in your mind of growing old with Tony are no longer practical. Those days, though fondly remembered, are gone.

                You can heed an example of how to live from me considering that my days are spent in a blissful existence, restful sleep, and rare moments of discord within myself. I wake with a plan for adventure every day and I don’t need company or to spend money! I marvel at the raw and exquisite beauty of nature and garner joy from a simple chipmunk to the stillness of the lake. I am contemplative of my life, but reflect on the positive things that have brought me happiness and I dream…I envision myself in scenes of a simple life; a garden, a fiddle, more grandkids, cooking and hosting gatherings of my precious friends, climbing hills or traipsing off into the wilderness with a camelback and hiking shoes. I am an artist who lacks in skill but compensates with enthusiasm. I am charming and light hearted. Though my future lacks focus, I am able to see today and trust in God for the days that follow. I am not haunted by the past, though I can see in detail the horrible images which are part of yours…the ones that torment you. I am not longing for a life with someone because I am content and I live with purpose and self-indulgence which work in tandem to provide a holistic life…and a balanced one. I don’t feel compelled to always be productive or ambitious because the sweetness of doing nothing is just as satisfying as completing a daunting task. You obsess over your idle hands, identifying your existence in that city with producing, completing, and toiling, but the time for that manic pace is over. Downshift. Relax. Your life has purpose beyond those days and you have tasks beyond the ones of previous days.

                You love the life you have in the city and you are creating a legacy which will be living and breathing; gaggles of children who are inspired by you. Your own children need you though not in the capacity which you have previously catered to them. They take comfort in your proximity. You have friends who long for your company and presence in their lives. Don’t sequester yourself for fear of being a burden. Don’t rely on the essence of who you once were in that city for today starts a new era and you are a new woman. Butter your own bread and taste the sweetness of a new life.

Lovingly,

The Country Girl

07:15 am - Nostalgia

I am an insanely nostalgic person. I long for childhood and its blissful innocence. I recall happy days with various people and wonder where they are and if I ever cross their mind. I stand in my children's bedrooms and I want so much to recapture days gone by and live once again the years when I was raising kids.

When I look around this house and see the vestiges of a life that has passed and the new one on the horizon, I am torn. My heart and mind can't negotiate how I will rebuild a new life as I look around this home where Katie and Nate were raised. The first home that Dominic knew. It is this nostalgia that is crippling for me and I am trying to be realistic and accept that the things....the notions, memories, and aura of my house....are no longer here. They have been replaced by 2 people who are in love, but can't stay married. My marriage and its many positive ingredients cannot withstand persistent doses of alcohol poisoning. I wish I didn't love him so much. I wish we weren't in the throughs of this chaos. I wish...wish...wish.

The reality is that my personality is altered because of my existence in this place. I am sad, but not a sad person. I am withdrawn but my spirit sings. I want to snap my fingers and undo all this ugliness. I know that I can't stay here, it'll kill me. But tonight, I am longing for a peace that never existed, a home where happiness is as evident as the scent of garlic, and where 2 people are in love and happy and whole.

07:41 am - Buttering my OWN bread

If you are in a relationship that causes you imbalance and anguish, get out. If you are in a relationship that does not support you or lowers your energy, leave it alone. If you are in a relationship where you give more than you get, where what you give is not respected, where the security you seek is costing you peace of mind, you've got nothing else to lose- so leave. We come together in relationships to grow, not to live in misery. Our relationships should be sustaining, energizing, and growth-supporting. When they are not, our growth is stunted, our energy is depleted, and our personality is distorted. A solid, loving relationship is like a shot of life. It is a source of inspiration, it provides a spark of motivation to encourage you to the highest evolution of your selfhood. If you are in a relationship in which you are happy sometimes, sad most of the time, struggling to figure out what to do, and how to make it last, you are out of place.

I know when to quit.

07:41 am - Warning (lots of cussing in this post)

I am so fuckin mad that I was duped. I thought this was real and I followed my heart, but here I am again, writing things I wrote 5 years ago. Will I ever learn?

The definition of a drunk husband can be conjured up with a few descriptive words: manipulative, thespian, narcisstic, convaluded, mean, and broken. There. With that minor detail attended to, let me define how the above mentioned drunk affects my life: up till 5am so had to call off work, feeling betrayed, wondering how I was so naive, digesting the same defense that was offered BEFORE he begged me back into this house, thinking about where I go from here.

Well, I've decided to throw in the towel on this marriage for good. 22 years of my life have been spent in dedicated devotion to my husband who I loved. I gave this a 2nd shot to provide him every opportunity to change how he (we) live our lives and conduct our marriage. Im glad I did and I don't regret coming back to him, it only solidifies my position that I tried everything I could think of to save our marriage. But it takes 2 and he is absent.......again.

Again. Fucking again. It just proves that my resolve, devotion, tolerance, requests, bitching, retaliation, and silence or rage can't change what is unchangable. Tony is a drunk. I don't want to be married to a drunk. ****Kelli, read that again!!!**** No, its true, I don't want to be married to a drunk.

I look at this house, the home where we raised our kids. I love this house. He hates it. I love Pittsburgh. He hates it. I love a quiet life. He hates it. I analyze myself in the mirror, especially deep into my eyes. I see pain. I look at my children who wait with baited breath to see how long I can hold on. It is time to exhale. The waiting and wishing is over. The time has come and my only regret is that by the time he misses me again, the hurt will fester into anger and I will have to endure that too. I will have to change my phone number because I can't relive the multiple texts and calls which dripped with hate.

I am so pissed that I have to go through another move. What a horrible thing to look forward to. late summer/ early fall, exactly 3 years after I left the first time, but for good this time. I loved him with all of my heart. I regret nothing. My wish for him is nothing but happiness. Im out.