The True Heart of Me

05:33 pm - Pittsburgh Marathon

I finally did it! I ran my first marathon and it was AWESOME!!!! I am so sore, barely mobile, but I am happy that I finally realized my dream of finishing a full marathon.

((((( HOWS THAT FOR NEWS TOMMY?)))))))))))))))))))))    :)

01:29 pm - Adjusting

Today is day #22. I could almost write the hours too, but I don't want to think that hard, being a Saturday and all.

Here are some things I am discovering on my own:

God is speaking clearly to me about patience and contentment.

I am spending my days doing the things I love the most; running, going to the library, reading and cooking.

My kids are hurt.

I miss the noise of my home.

I found myself in Frick Park this morning running on an unfamiliar trail. It ventured off, around a bend, but through a field and along a stream. I felt something stir in me, a wonder like when I was a kid. I paused and tried to break an icy puddle with the weight of my body. (to no avail) I leaned over a bridge and watched the water pass. I am sore from running for the first time in ages and I love it.

I am reading the Bible every morning and I am in awe of the words of comfort and clarity I am reading. It brings me a peace I have never known.

My kids are confused and hurt. Tony is so coarse with them, devouring their emotions and questions with a ferocious fury. They are afraid of his indifference and are reluctant to open up to him. I try to reach out, but they resist me. Not Katie as much as Nate. Nate is going to need a lot of time.

The leaving was easier than the silence of my home and my phone. Tony refuses to talk to me and because of my innate impatience, I am climbing the walls. I thought he would react with a certain degree of urgency, but he has shown none.

I don't regret what I did, I know I did the right thing. The adjusting is slow which is not my strong suit. So I pray.
 

07:02 pm - I love fall

Yes, I'm saying it again. I want to go for a drive on Sunday. Maybe take my bike to a trail somewhere and just ride. I want to look at the trees and smell autumn. Gosh! I love this time of year!

So my aggravated assault case got postponed for the 4th time and the judge swore that if they tried to postpone again he would issue a warrant for arrest. I am tired of going to court. The incident witht his kid happened almost a year ago and I am losing my faith that he will have to pay for his crime. He'll knock another teacher down. Its just a matter of time.

Dommy is one. I can't believe it has been a year since he came around. I am so different because of him and my coworkers commented on it when they saw me in August. I feel invigorated by this little boy.

i have been sleeping a lot lately. I have to wonder why. Our school nurse said it is common for people to eat  and sleep more at this time of year. Like bears, we are preparing to hybernate.

I want a cookie.

06:10 am - Random question, but...

Is it just me or do ya'll notice that it is cool to show off your butt crack these days?

The number of stranger's butt cracks that I have seen recently is unsettling and at this point you may be asking...."Uh oh. Has she finally gone off the deep end?" But after being int he grocery store last night and seeing my 50th butt crack in like.... a month, I have to ask the question, is it just me? Am I being targeted? Or is it hip to sport a little crackage?

My parents and I were at one of Nate's games and the guy in front of us was showing his crack. Ok. That's anticipated at a football game. He was probably a plumber. :)

But my students, young girls in the store, young men in the hood......I mean, WTF? Pull up your damn pants!!!! I would be horrified if someone saw my butt crack IN PUBLIC!!!!! So why do I get this suspicion that its now in vogue? Because everyone is doing it.

Ok............on to a different subject.

05:02 am - pictures from the news

This was taken by a reporter for the Tribune Review at Friday's game. He emailed them to my husband.

This is my son.

07:27 pm - Jumping Fences Again

Only a face like this could make me jump those fences again. You remember them, you have to climb over one and hit the second step and try not to pee your pants as you sail upwards to the bathroom. The ones you have to launch over with a heavy basket of clean laundry, or to catch a ringing phone on the 4th ring. The same fences they stand at and cry over as you go out the door to the store or the bank. The ones they hang on and drool over as you cook a pot of sauce and sing country songs.

But its different this time. Its sweeter. I cherished every God-blessed moment I spent as a parent, but I don't remember this feeling of elation like I feel with my grandson. I'm more patient this time. More forgiving of the mess, the broken pots, the noise and chaos. And I thrive on it and anticipate his presence in my every day. He's almost a year now and I'll be 40 in just a few more months. I'll still be jumping fences and feeling just fine.

06:15 am - My sister!

Happy birthday to my favorite person on earth! Jennifer..............I love you darlin'!!!!

05:17 am - Santa Monica Pier

Well all be! When Jennifer and I visited the Santa Monica Pier in July, we watched a Nike commercial being filmed. and here it is!!!!

http://www.brentter.com/foot-lockernike-the-pier/

07:45 am - I love fall!!

I just looked at the weather channel to see what the 10 day forecast is for Pittsburgh and it is starting to cool off. Most of the days will be in the low to mid 70s and I am so grateful for the cooldown. My classroom gets incredibly hot, even with all of the windows open and 3 fans moving the air around in Room 206.

But I love fall for so many reasons and more than just the cool weather. I love the trees. I have to continue to remind myself to look at them every day so an autumn in the northeast doesn't escape me. I love football and Sundays in the fall, when we start to hibernate and the time changes and shortly after i get home from school, dusk appears. I love the start of school and my autumn decorations for my porch. (which will go up today!) I just love this time of year!

So today is Tony's 40th birthday. Tony is 40. Tony is 40? Oh my! I met him when we were both 18 and now he is middle aged. (is it still 40? that seems about right.) and he is a grandfather and he has so random gray hairs and he does old man things. I had a party for him with his friends last weekend to celebrate and my mom had a party too. Today will be spent in the quiet splendor of a Sunday in fall with football and couchtime and spaghetti.

I love fall and Tony.

09:36 pm - History Survey

In a very animated introduction to the history curriculum yesterday, I said to my 5th grade class, "The first thing we'll learn is geography. Like....the north pole....why is it cold there? In fact which way is north?" ..........and they all pointed at the ceiling!

Oh my gawd did I laugh!

So I wrote up a survey this morning and gave it 72 5th graders today. I told them they couldn't leave anything blank, they could guess if they weren't sure. (which isn't my normal thing, I encourage research) 

Prepare thyself!

 

What do you know about American History and Geography?

1. Which direction does the sun come up? Left/@3:00

2. What is the capital city of the United States? Harrisburg/Philadelphia/China

3. What is the name of the continent where you will find the USA? Canada/China/Harrisburg

4. Which country is north of the U.S.? New York/Pittsburgh

5. Who was the First president of the United States of America? George Bush

6. Which region of the USA will you find Texas? Southcentral/ Dallas/Canada

7. Name the body of water that is off the coast of California. The Gulf of California

8. There are 5 Great Lakes in the US. Name 1. The Great Salt Lake

9. Who fought in the Civil War? France and England/Ben Franklin

10. Which president was assassinated in Ford’s Theater? _George Washington

11) Why does US history remember Lewis and Clark? “They were in a rock band” “They invented ice cream” “They were in the movie, Night at the Museum”

12) Who invented the cotton gin? “I did!”/Wool E. Sheep/George Lopez/Dr. Seuss

13) In which state was the gold rush of 1849? Beijing!Disneyland!

14) Which famous African American invented blood transfusions? Don King J-Lo/Martin Luther King

I am currently looking for airfare to the Gulf of California but can't find a decent flight. Any suggestions?

05:16 am - Up with the chickens

 I can't sleep. 

Most teachers can't the night before the first day of school. What is that? Excitement? Terror? I don't know. I've been running over the days schedule, the materials I have and still need, and rehearsing my first day script. By 4:45 I gave up pretending to sleep and came downstairs to get some coffee and start getting ready. 

My room looks incredible! I spent 12 hours in my room yesterday, with just a few quick breaks to visit my friend's classrooms and grab some lunch. At this point, I am running on sheer adrenaline because I have hardly eaten anything in the past 2 days and I can't sleep. I am sure I will be exhausted by the end of the day. Sleep will come tomorrow.

I love love love our new principal. He is exactly what our school needed. If he delivers on all that he claims, this school will turn around. It has to. We can't repeat another year like the previous. While sitting around the pool with a bunch of Cleveland teachers at Jen's house, the conversation turned to the rough school I teach in. The other teachers were trying to trump mine till my sister quipped, "Kelli's 2nd day of school will spent in juvenile court with one of her former students." It's what I've chosen. I could easily leave. For some reason that even ((( I ))) can't explain, I feel a draw to teach these kids. 

I'm a moron.

08:52 pm - 5th grade history

Another school year has begun and I met some of my new students tonight at the Welcome Back to School night. I was shocked when I opened the transfer letter to find that I had been involuntarily transferred to 5th grade, a move to accommodate the needs of the school. I loved teaching 6th grade because I love how they think, their impressions of the world around them, and the content. I don't know what to think about 5th graders.....I haven't taught them yet.

This I know....I am so incredibly thrilled to be teaching history. American history......one of the most interesting and exciting things I can think of. 75 kids will begin to form a knowledge of this subject through what I teach them and I am so jazzed I could burst! The new principal is a history fanatic too and he understands my unbridled passion for the subject and he even said to me, "Now....Mrs. Moreno.....I hope you understand that when I got the urge to teach history I'm gonna come to your class. I'll be like a crack addict...twitching and scratchin' .....the only fix I need is to teach history." I completely understand what he means!

10:56 am - pictures

In the car on the way to Grand Tetons! I picked a flower on the side of the road.


Jenny Lake at the foothills of the Great Tetons.
 

Vegas!


An Elk!!!!! Finally!

09:17 am - At home

When you come to the end of an adventure like mine, words are not sufficient. In my journal that I kept as we travelled, I came to a point in my musings where I was trying to describe Bryce Canyon, Utah, and I actually wrote the words, “How should I describe them? I’ve used every word I can think of! Auspicious, grand, awesome, beautiful, breathtaking, incredible, unbelievable. I have plumb run out of words!” And so it is with this trip. I can’t conjure up the images with mere words. One would have to had been a passenger in that little car to see it, soak it up, hear the hilarity, the crying, the wonder.

As I sit here on Jancey St., the place that held my family as I went off on this selfish, incredible adventure, I realize that we just saw too much. There are pictures of each stop from the tire blowout in Barstow to the towering spires of the Grand Tetons to help me remember, but there are moments and phrases that will escape me just from the sheer size of what I should remember. I know Jen will regale me with such things in the months and years ahead. I can see us sitting over Thanksgiving dinner and she will quip, “Judy Forever” and I will be transported to a hot morning in Vegas where we conversed with a man who thought Judy would be forever.

Things that I won’t forget, images that will stay in my mind forever are of the hike we took at Grand Teton NP, Sunrise Point in Bryce Canyon, my cousin Dean, standing amidst the slot machines of the Bellagio, waiting for us. The Hotel del Coronado, the elk in Zion NP, Jen’s face as we travelled to the top of Pikes Peak, the bow legged cowboy in Cripple Creek and a road sign that says, “Colorado 67”.

My family understood my need and desire to take this trip. They let me go, though reluctantly, and I spoke with them daily, most times in the midst of a controversy, and I made them jealous and curious for how I described Utah. Tony missed me tremendously.

I will have to resist the urge to force the story of this trip on people. “When I was in Wyoming…..or your destination doesn’t hold a candle to Utah.” I could find many different venues to convey this trip to others. But I won’t. It is a corner of my mind and a patch in my history that I will covet for myself. The only person that would ever understand is my sister, Jennifer. As we embraced in my parent’s driveway in Ohio, with tears running down my face as we said goodbye, I whispered to her, “Nobody will ever be able to understand the magnitude of this trip. Just you and me.”

Cheryl, thank you so much for your comments in my sister’s journal. She read each one to me in the evenings when I would be getting the coffee pot ready for the next morning, or changing into my pjs after a grueling day of driving. Your comment about your mom and Pikes Peak will always stay in my mind! You are such a good friend!

05:43 am - Time to go!

Today is the day my sister and I will embark on our trip of a lifetime. Naturally I woke long before my alarm and my first thought was, "I wonder if its still in the 30's in Jackson, Wy?" I've packed for that, though, along with the seering heat of Salt Lake City and Vegas. 

The trip will be chronicled on my sisters pageif anybody wants to read! italiabella99[Unknown LJ tag]

06:10 am - sweet sweet summer

I can't think of any better thing than 3 months of these kinds of days. I have to wonder if people who live in warm climates have such an appreciation for this weather such as I. 

I have quite a summer planned, too. First, I am reading 3 awesome books. (what kind of headcase does that?) A travel journal about small town America which was penned by an author who is a cynic, yet so very funny. I am half way through a novel called, Beginner's Greek which is completely enthralling....so many twists and turns!....and finally, Marathoning For Mortals by John Bingham. The Pittsburgh Marathon will make a grand return in May 2009 and if God is willing, I will pin on a bib and join my fellow Pittsburghers on the starting line. The book is terrific because it gives such great advice on everything from nutrition to gear. The thought of that race consumes me.

I am travelling a lot this summer, too. Tonight I will leave for Hilton Head for the wedding of a dear friend. It will be a low key, long weekend spent in the blazing South Carolina heat with some of my closest friends. I will then embark on a 2 week cross-country trip with my dear sister, Jennifer. The itinerary includes contrasting spots from Pikes Peak to San Diego, Jackson Hole to Vegas. (my first time in Vegas!) I will return and have 2 days to get my bearings and wash my underwear and its off to Boston with my family for a week. I have planned a whale watching trip off the coast of Glouster and the thought of doing that with my kids and husband is so incredibly exciting! I will finish the summer with a weekend trip up to Geneva-on-the-Lake with my parents and sisters. This is exactly how I want to spend my summers as a teacher. I can't wiat until funds allow Tony and I to spend a month in Alaska....the ultimate trip. We are so nature oriented and I dream of going to a place like that.

I am teaching summer school at Duquesne for the 3rd summer and it is going well. 8th graders cannot keep their hands off of one another and cannot do math. With that said, I just like being with my college friends, having our twice a day pow wow in the cafeteria as we laugh about the vast expanse between what we were taught as students and what is reality as teachers. Working for Montel is a double edged sword as he asks us to be incredibly flexible and take on many duties not asked of other staff members, but his love for us and his apparent appreciation for our presence in his program is motivation enough to take on whatever a day might bring. Regardless, the money is good and I am too hyper to be off for the entire summer.

Katie will graduate a week from tomorrow and it has been a long haul. I feel as though we have dragged her through these last final years and the relief I feel over its ending is tremendous. Nate went and saw an Army recruiter yesterday which must be saved for a whole other post entitled, "The Day My Smile Went Away". 

So off to the beach..........................where the hell is my blender!?!?!

08:34 am

07:30 am - Spring Days

 And so, here it is....the end of my first school year teaching, my first summer as a grandma, and my first experience watching my OWN CHILD graduate. Nate for the first time in a tuxedo. (Prom is May 30th) My first summer without my Nanny. Firsts......they're everywhere!!!

School has been fabulous! Ever since the district removed 2 of my most unruly students to place them in an alternative school, Room 206 is serene and boisterous and bustling with the excitement of the end of the school year. I learned more about teaching from this first year of being in a classroom than I ever learned in 5 years of college. I will miss these tender little kids.

My grandson........bliss. I shouldn't even call him Dominic, I should just call him Bliss. (I am laughing at myself right now)

My children are also preparing for the end of the year, with Katie graduating at the end of June. How is this possible? Why did it all go so quickly? I want so much to return to the very beginning.....the womb in fact.....and do it all over again. Alas, here it is. And then there is Nate. We took him yesterday to get fitted for his tux and I have this feeling that the sight of him in a tux will do me in. Completely. He is so tall, his shoulders are so expansive, his eyes are so crystal blue. He makes me so exceedingly happy.

A few more bits to note.....the Pens are going to the Stanley Cup if they can pull off the Philly game today. (yes, that's a dig at someone specific)
I am going to the beach in 5 weeks for a wedding and I love that I have that to look forward to.
It has not stopped raining here in weeks so I have yet to do any work in my garden. (Cheryl, have you started yet?)
And the pittsburgh marathon is returning next year which has consumed my mind.

All is well in Pittsburgh.......

09:28 pm - I turn here

 I realized just now as I read my last few posts that I turn to LJ when I need to express feelings that can't come out in words. I know that the words I put here are REALLY words, but I can't utter them. I need this place.

Well, my grandmother is dying and in the words of my cousin, "probably won't make it through the night". I just don't know what to do with myself. I have cleaned....madly. I have groomed, then cleaned a little more. I just wish the call would come because the anxiety of waiting for the call is more stressful than the news the call will signify.

I am filled with so many memories of my childhood and I just wish I could rush back to 1981 and all that era held for me. I want to have her back like she was back then, I want to experience the sweet innocence of hugging my soft grandmother. I want to have my counsins and sister around me in her basement. I want to recapture those days because the memories are just not enough as the are muddled by the thoughts of her suffering. I miss her already.

05:43 am - Milestone

Yesterday was my 39th birthday and my first one as a grandmother. When I revealed that fact to a coworker she cheered, "it's a milestone!" and so it is....ya know, I'm not one of those people who laments birthdays. I become giddy and excited for my birthdays. Every year my life just becomes better and better and why would that make me sad? Even though I didn't PLAN on being a grandmother at 39, this baby has invigorated me....in fact....as I was driving to work the other day I was praying out loud and thanked God for my grandson. I started to chuckle and said to God, "Thank you for this baby. You really know what you're doing, God."  I am very happy with my life.

I got my ass kicked at school on the playground last week. Aggravated assault charges have been filed. This is teaching? Shit!

Tommy, thank you for your email......I don't log on frequently enough......you're right! But that meant a lot so thank you! :)